Yesterday really sucked. I mean really, completely sucked.
You see I had been a touch busy the last few months, then that rolled into kind of crazy/busy over the last few weeks, which then climaxed into tearing my hair out “where did I lose my mind” kind of crazy the last few days. And absolutely no-one other than me noticed how busy I was. Nada.
Which is OK. Until yesterday.
Yesterday saw me heading off first thing yesterday morning without any real sleep, two sick kids, a never-ending pile of deadlines that are rapidly approaching, and an ever-growing pile of work to get done. Any normal person would just know that it was only a matter of time until this day ended in diva-style tears and tantrums.
But do you know what? Stupid me when I left my house, actually did think that I was holding it all together pretty nicely. I even gave myself a fairly big pat on the back for how well I was coping with all the poo that life was shoveling my way at the moment. A real high five to me.
I am such an idiot.
By the end of the day I had managed to complete the following stellar performances (note – this is not by any means a complete list. There was so much more horror.):
- Lost half an hour looking for something so much that I actually forgot what I was looking for (& no I still haven’t remembered what it was yet);
- Forgot to pack child number 2 any food to eat for the entire day;
- Accusing previously mentioned number 2 child of “faking an illness to get out of school” while he spontaneously vomited all over the house;
- Forgot to lock my car; went back to lock my car and then locked my bag in the car and then went back to get my bag but momentarily forgot what I was looking for again (my bag – I know);
- Managed to achieve so little work that I was truly counter-productive as an employee and pissed off two of my bosses;
- Completely forgot I had a child number 1 who was dealing with her own things at the moment but asked her to take on extra duties anyway;
- Got home so late that I actually thought KFC was a healthy choice for the kid’s dinner but can’t stand the stuff myself so still had to cook myself a meal;
- and then…
- I dropped every single ball I was juggling (yes the one’s I was praising myself for so deftly keeping aloft). But they didn’t just drop – no. They dropped then exploded spectacularly.
I just lost it.
Don’t get me wrong. There were no tears or tantrums. There was hardly an external sign that I was phased by all of this. But in my head was a different story.
By the end of the evening I had convinced myself that I was a complete failure at life and the following actions needed to be carried out:
- Quit Uni because I am far too busy and too stupid to study while working and parenting full time;
- Care less about my job and only complete my “designated” duties;
- Quit my job and take on something less demanding and more suited to my skill set like working at KFC;
- Find suitable homes for my neglected children where they would have a less crazy mum; and
- Move somewhere less busy. Like Antarctica.
I think my brain had snapped a little bit. So here’s what I did to remedy all that:
- Manically started bashing out my Uni assessment with very little thought and absolutely no referencing to the point that it makes no sense at all;
- Consulted a clairvoyant on Facebook for guidance;
- Thought long and hard about getting rolling drunk. (I gave this one way too much thought actually);
- Considered attempting meditation until I realized that I don’t remember how to do that;
- Thought about getting drunk while stroking a bottle of red wine, whispering “my precious……”;
- Consulted my daily horoscope for guidance; and
- Thought about getting drunk. Again.
Until I made myself stop and just be still for a moment.
And then I realized a something:
- It is what it is and I chose it so I had to toughen up and step up.
Now I know that I can’t do it all, have it all or be it all but that doesn’t have to stop me from trying. I just needed to remember that.
And yes. I am going to keep on dropping balls and screwing things up because let’s face it – I do it so well. But I am also great at brushing myself off and getting on with the job. Which is what I will do.
After I drink my wine….
P.S. Chin up friends – I guarantee those of you wanting to watch me have a spectacular implosion/explosion/both that it can’t be too far off now – it’s just not today.
But just in case – watch this space.