Recently I accepted a challenge to run a 10k fun run. Well actually it was a bet. If I complete the run in under a certain time, I’ll make $100. Now we all know my now famous lack of ability in this sporting arena so this bet is stacked in the other guy’s favour. I have already set aside my money to pay up later this year. But I thought “what the hell – why not?” and started running.
So then people began to find out about my new torture running regime and everyone started offering their pearls of wisdom to ‘help’ me on my ‘journey’. So I thought I’d share some of this advice with you today and give you my experiences with them so far.
Here goes nothing.
- You will feel so amazing that you’ll never want to stop running.
Yeah OK. I understand the endorphins thing and I have to admit that I feel pretty excellent after going for one of my runs (although can you really call what I’m doing running yet? It’s more like a fast walk). But there has never, ever been a single day that I have been out running that I have thought to myself that “I love this so much that I’m going to be like Forest Gump and never stop running”. In fact, I’m usually silently praying to any god that may exist to strike me dead on the spot because then I would have a legitimate reason to never run ever again. Ever. Again.
- You may get a bit hot and sweaty.
A bit? I’m sorry but I have single handedly proven that it is possible to sweat from every single pore on your whole entire body. Everywhere. In copious amounts. It’s revolting.
- You’ll lose so much weight.
Yes. This one is actually true. Except that no-one tells you that you won’t lose weight from anywhere that you actually want to lose it. Since I started running a few weeks ago I’ve lost approximately 14kgs from my boobs. Yes, you read that correctly. Nowhere else but my boobs. It’s like the conversation with my body went something like this:
Body: “Oh hey Lou I see you’re running. That’s great! I like being active and moving. It makes me feel good.”
Me: “Gee thanks body. It’s been hard but I’m determined to give it a shot.”
Body: “I understand what you’re saying, you fat, unfit old lady, so as a reward for your efforts I’m going to let you lose a bucket load of weight. From your boobs.”
Me: “Ahhhhh thanks? Losing weight would be great but can we negotiate the areas a bit? I mean I have layers upon layers of useless lard just hanging around my hips and arse – how about we shave some of that off?”
Me: “Please? I mean my boobs are the only thing that indicate to the outside world that I’m a chick. If they’re gone what do I have left?”
Body: “I said no.”
Body: “For the last time no. Now go for another run.”
Me: “*sigh*” Puts on running shoes….
Enough already. This is seriously not ok and I want my boobs back.
- You have to wear this (insert brand here) – it’s the best!
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the importance of good running shoes, but $90 for a t-shirt? What does it do? Will it help me breathe? Will it make me run faster? Will it stop my boobs from shrinking? I think the answer to all those questions will be no. But what I have noticed is that this amazing exercise wear comes in all kinds of bright, fluro colours and patterns. Yeah because I need to draw more attention to my jiggly bits flapping around in the breeze. I think I’ll stick to my $10 black t-shirts thanks. Even though one of my work colleagues told me that I would “look like a povo (poor person).” Hmmmm…..
- It’s such an amazing community.
Yes. It is. It’s an amazing example of yet another cult. And this one is possibly freakier than that Thermomix one. People are all at me with “join Parkrun with me” or “are you on Strava” or “have you found this online store yet? It has THE BEST prices/products out there” or “have you heard about the running group for women over 50? You should look into that” or the famous “what’s your pace? I need to know so I can compare it to mine since you declined my Strava invite”.
Thanks but no thanks. Sharing in this instance is not caring and I do not want to compete with you. Or sweat with you. Or talk to you. You are freaking me out – back away slowly and we will all live through this. I am happy to talk one on one with people who are interested in helping me out but no way am I interested in sitting around in a group, holding hands singing kumbya while we all compare ourselves. It’s just not my thing.
So for now I’ll just keep plodding along doing all the wrong things (apparently) and see where I end up. And who knows? I may just start to get better at this whole thing or maybe even enjoy it.
Watch this space.
P.S. And the guy who told me that mastering my breathing would be my biggest challenge (you know who you are) – you are correct and obviously the genius amongst my advisers. Now please just let me know one other little thing? Now that I’ve started how do I stop wanting to do this?